determination

Get O.F.F…your butt and GO FOR IT!

Get …a Mentor/Coach

Hey ya’ll… I started 2015 off running. I joined TWO coaching groups that are really motivating me to do all I can do, be all that I can be and get some *ish DONE.

Happy Black Woman – Rosetta Thurman

and

You are a Bad Ass – Jen Sincero

So in essence I am a BAD ASS HAPPY BLACK WOMAN…yep..sounds about right!

So today’s Life Lesson is…Coaching/Mentoring

Growing up I always thought that everybody knew more than me, was more graceful than me, was more ladylike than moui, was a better cook than I…yada yada yada and the list goes on. Truth is, sure alot of people were all the above, and they were also older than me and had more EXPERIENCES under their belt.

My young bitter impressionable mind assumed that other people magically manifested their skills or were lucky and born with them, whilst I was evidently born awkward, unattractive, and uneducated. What I was in actuality was lacking guidance, instruction and role models, having lost my mother at a young age and being raised by an elderly grandmother.

But Grandma though initially she was a force to reckoned with, at a certain point was tired and done..She hit a point where she was just waiting for me to be of age to take care of myself…and get out. So God blessed me with an older more mature compadre’ in my late teen’s/early twenties..This woman took me under her wing…and man could she (still can) cook her HIND PARTS off. I mean seriously this chick…whew man, just thinking about the dishes she throws together makes my mouth water, whilst I on the other hand burned everything I attempted to cook. Over time she taught me a few things. I mean I didn’t have a love and or desire for cooking so I mastered the basic few dishes and I can say, that a few years later, yes, I can throw together a simply edible meal here and there.

I had another friend early in life who loved retail. She started to attend design school, but didn’t finish. However her personal style and flair was just fascinating to me, the self proclaimed queen of jeans and sneakers. Over time, just from hanging with her, guess what, low and behold I picked up a little bit of flair.

Flash forward 10-15-20 years later and low and behold look at me now, my kids are fed and I am complimented on a daily basis on my outfits.  I marvel now at my ability to put together a decent dinner party and a stylish outfit.

Self – aggrandizement? Of course not…

My point being this…and preaching to the younger me. Stop degrading yourself, just because you don’t know IT now doesn’t mean that you can’t learn it. How? Find someone who already does IT – whatever IT is – that you like; or aspire to be;  or who has what you want and ask them to show you how to do it…be it…become it…get it.

Now at 44, I know all kinds of crap. Literally most of it is crap and that’s something else wonderful I learned. That over your lifetime you are fed alot of crap, that we swallow as truth and then we live in small boxes and small representations of our badass self’s due to this learned crap. But I also learned some great and helpful and useful things too. That I’d love to share to help guide someone else through pitfalls and over bumps and hills and just to help another.

That my friend is a mentor. Someone who has been there and already done that (or is currently successfully still doing it) and who is willing to teach you, allow you to shadow them or simply be around them to pick up a trick or two to acquire IT as well.

Don’t be afraid to ask.

Don’t be ashamed to admit that you’re not skilled in an area.

Don’t be afraid to get help. (in all areas but we will cover that in more depth later)

If you encounter someone who puts you down due to your lack of knowledge, skill, or expertise in a matter…THEY ARE NOT A MENTOR..Remove yourself from their debilitating presence immediately and find someone who willingly shows you what you want to learn. I did encounter another woman who was a good cook in my 30’s, and when I asked her how to make things, she would constantly repeat that “it was easy” yet she never attempted to show me. Initially I got angry, cause duh, evidently it wasn’t easy for me… but eventually I figured maybe she didn’t know how to teach me or jut wasn’t comfortable teaching me. So I let it be. It happens.

So, if you can’t find a soul willing or equipped in the expertise your seeking, take a class. And if you’ve taken every class out that that you can take it’s time to invest in yourself and your future and your dreams and hopes and hire a coach. All great’s have been coached -Michael Jordan, Oprah Winfrey – and if they -THEY NEEDED COACHES- then my sweet precious, so do you. We tend to think those folks were just born with all these inherent skills…Yeah Mike, had athleticism and height and Oprah has personality and tenacity for days but they both still required coaching in their particular fields.

So my friend, in 2015 I invested in me, and dropped a pretty penny on learning via coaches. I urge you to do the same.

Don’t have the dough at present? Not just being cheap but seriously don’t have a dime to spare. Well read books. Tons and tons of books. Free books on https://books.google.com/books, or https://openlibrary.org/ or the various other places that provide free trainings, and tutorials. Youtube and Google search alone will provide you with a vast array of information, guides, and tutorials for what you’re seeking. But never discredit the value in having a coach, after all they do stand on the sidelines providing direction and cheering every time you accomplish a feat.

It’s 2015. Get going..Get to learning. Get to growing.

Get O.F.F…being stuck and full of excuses. I did.

Love ya’ll.

So I saw a comedy show recently. Kim Coles – OFF THE CHAIN.. on the Bounce network.I’m sure they will show it several times so set your DVR to record it.

kim coles

First off, my 20 something self reminisced so hard about loving FOX primetime in the ’90’s. Living Single and Martin. AWEsome shows.

But anywho sistagirl “Sinclair” is 52! Whattttt?????!!! And looking damn good too. Her show was hilarious! I am paraphrasing directly from her set, I am in no way trying to take credit for this, so once I get a bit more techie (or some help!) I will post a link to the precise bit I’m about to quote but until then..

old school version of live clips…SHE said (and I quote! haaaaa)

when you’re in your 20’s you don’t know nothing, and that’s okay because you don’t know that you DON’T know. You are out having a ball, doing it all, and that’s okay. In your 30’s, you now know that you didn’t know anything in your 20’s and your like what the hell was I thinking and that’s okay. BUT in your 40’s, YOU KNOW that you know, and YOUR TELLING EVERYONE  you know, that you know!

She then proceeded to show the difference by asking a woman in the audience who was in her 40’s for her bag, and it was a frikkin satchel, and a woman in her 20’s for her purse and it was a clutch!

Awesome visual.  I loved her whole show but my takeaway was…yeah in our 40’s we got huge baggage (haaaaaaaa) but it’s full of stuff that we can share, stuff to get us through our day and honestly, most of it is valuable life lessons to get us through the rest of our life. AND WE AINT AFRAID TO LET EVERYBODY KNOW…what we know.

Don’t be afraid to share your life lessons lady, your trials, your joy’s, your struggle’s and your triumph’s.  That big bag you lugging around would get a lot lighter if you JOYFULLY shared it’s contents.

(ohh that was deep even for me.) GET O.F.F.

 

Get OFF…the chain – Shout out to “Kim Coles”

Okay, so I have veered off from the GET OFF theme, but I’m quickly seeing that that’s probably going to limit me. Pigeon-hole me, stifle my creativity darn it! So let me do as I see fit! (Who am I arguing with?) Over 40 symptom..loosing it? Ha. Arguing with imaginary critics? I’m over 40 dangit, screw all the people who don’t agree with me. I’m flipping all my imaginary critics the bird!

And we’re moving….(away from that tangent!)

So folks brief and to the point- after all that initial rambling, but I digress- IS (dun, dun, DUNNN) IT’S A NEW YEAR. DO YOU! Get excited, get a goal and get after it. (I’m still liking “get” aren’t I?).

Get over yourself, your fears, your doubts and get excited about something!

No clue what to do? Here I’ll give you a few suggestions.

Get the help you need.

Get a therapist.

Get a gym membership.

Get a trainer.

INVEST IN YOU…and Get a better LIFE. Starting NOW!Inspiration

That is all.

Get…EXCITED…It’s a New YEAR!

Get O.F.F…My Hair

Everyone please…get OFF my hair…

blond hair (no, that’s not me..but this chile is GORGEOUS!! I just had to post her pic!)

So I had a massage appointment with a new masseuse (she works in the gym at my job and it’s convenient – meh..), so let’s consider those two major points already. First I am a new client to this woman and secondly “client” means I’m paying. So, I go to get on the table and I’m all nice and pleasant as I always try to be with strangers. She starts the routine and then she flicks my hair out the way. I say “oh shoot I forgot my tie back for my hair (my blonde long weave hair mind you) do you have anything to pull it out your way.” This heifer says and I quote “I can cut it off” and she snarls it. Really? Really sister with the PERMED hair. REALLY?? So she (I suppose) caught herself cause I kind of just ‘hmmphed’ with a little chuckle and proceeded to curl it up into a pincurl at the back of my head to move it out her way. So then she starts stumbling all over herself saying “oh it’s fine, it’s okay. It’s not in the way. Don’t worry about it.”

So..many..angry..thoughts…and I was already THERE for stress relief..Geesh! Add another source of tension to my already lengthy list, lady. Thanks for that.

First let me say that I WEAR MY HAIR all kinds of ways. Short, long, dyed, natural, permed, weaved, wigs!

my new look 5.26.2012 IMG_20140704_172809_867IMG_20140506_180125_642new phone test photo

I do it all and I enjoy it all. It is whatever I am feeling at the moment. I mean people at my place of employ often say to me they can’t wait to see what I’m going to come in with on Monday, and it’s always a big song and dance as the women ohh and ahh and decide if whether or not THEY LIKE what I decided to rock. I truly don’t care either way about other’s opinion’s but I entertain the talk. I wear what I LIKE and what’s comfortable for ME.

That is the beauty of being over 40. I don’t give a rat’s ass about what you think about my choices. If I like it and it makes me feel good and as long as I think I LOOK FABULOUS. Screw you, and you’re unwanted opinion. (Now if I ask you you’re opinion of something that’s a different matter all together).

Hair to me is an accessory, it is a fashion statement, it is my flair, how I express myself. I have chopped it all off and rocked an almost bald head for 2 years right after my son was born. It was freeing after years of perms. Then it grew back and I decided I wanted to perm it and wrap it for an easy get up and go do once he reached toddler stage. After the third kid, I discovered and rejoiced in the ease of wigs. I change up my color, style and length as easy as 1, 2, 3. Wig cap. Pull on hairstyle. Brush and go! I…LOVE…WIGS…People are amazed when I tell them that most of the styles I rock are wigs. They, for some reason, are afraid to rock a wig. I believe it’s because of the “old lady” stereotype that’s associated with them, but these are not your grandmother’s wigs, people. Wigs are FABULOUS and easy!!!

IMG_20140318_145802_614

So back to the sister, that was insulting me, who herself, HAD A DERN perm! How are you going to have an opinion about my HAIR WEAVE having self, with creamy crack evidence all apparent up in yo’ do.

What’s the difference? Is it because that is at least, your hair? Well guess what, this hair on my head is MINE TOO, I bought it! So what? Mind you at the time my hair under my weave was au naturale and I had rocked that for most of the summer but found that the maintenance and products needed for wearing my natural locks was time consuming and costly, so a weave gave my pocket a rest as well as my mornings an extra 30 minutes of sleep time. I explain that to you. To her I said nothing else, cuz again, REALLY?

Au natural is now IN (and it was IN back in the 70’s too people – nothing new under the sun) so now that’s the big push and overexposed marketing mania. Natural hair. Natural Hair. Natural hair products are everywhere, back in the day you had nothing but sulfur 8 and a hot comb. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not hating sista’s that rock it. Shoot I did, and I enjoyed it. Do you! Be all that gloriousness that is you – BLACK WOMAN with your loose, wavy, curly, or kinky curls. DO…IT…But if a weave works for me as well…Let me be me. If I want to wear a blonde weave/wig down to my ass crack. So be it. My ass…my crack, what do you care? Why all the snarling and back talk? But the fact that this woman, who judged, had a chemical process in her own hair yet had the audacity to dislike my hair choice just floored me.

Why, oh why, are sista’s projecting attitude off of a presumed hair hierarchy? Are we still stuck on what’s perceived as good hair, bad hair. STILL??? And has the tide so turned now, that because we have finally learned to embrace our natural hair textures all other’s are deemed unworthy?

When you’re over 40, you have worn every style there is. You have seen what works on you and what doesn’t. What flatters and what is just plain fugly. Or perhaps not. Maybe if you’re adventurous, you’ve tried them all. I have and I’m glad that I have. I don’t fear chopping it all off either. It’s just hair, it will grow back, and if it doesn’t, sew or glue some in. See how glorious that is? How freeing? It’s also quite empowering and it makes you feel sexy, changing up your ‘do even temporarily.

Hmmm..Now that I think about it, perhaps she didn’t dislike the hair itself. Perhaps she was a bit peeved that I had the audacity to rock a blonde weave, period. Hmmmph. All sexy and empowered and what not.

Get O.F.F. my hair..and get some of your own.

black curly hair

(that’s my next ‘do…yes… I am getting ALLLLLL that hair SEWED in!!!)

 

Get O.F.F…Romance Books not even vaguely romantic!

I am an avid reader. I read a book a night. 300 pages plus. It’s like I cant put it down I have to finish or I have failed, and yes I do have a full-time job, and kids, home and family obligations. So reading is my refuge. I read everything, self help, spiritual, autobiographies, how to’s but as of late, I am hooked on romance and erotica! Hooked I tell you. Amazon’s 1-click is the devil, and will be the death of my bank account. Having that access to so many new author’s and free books is on one hand amazing and yet on the other, it’s gonna end me. But I’m going to enjoy the ride. So with that said let’s talk about my latest annoyance. Frikkin Romance Books that are not romantic in the least. I have so many different angry thoughts running through my mind I don’t know which one to address first! Perhaps I should make a list and then come back and hit each one at length. Yep, let me do that.

1. Where are all the 40+ heroines?!  (Gotta hit that seeing as how this is a OVER FORTY AND FABULOUS BLOG!!) Don’t forget it!

2. Why are all the heroines 22, clumsy, virgins, and immature?

3. Why do they all have such low self-esteem?

4. Why is every hero a billionaire? Regular dudes who pay their damn bills are hot too!

5. Why aren’t there more strong confident sexy as hell heroines? I am so sick and tired of reading romance and erotica novels about 20 something’s or even 30 something virgins. Really? And not that I don’t believe that there can be virgins at that age, I do, I just don’t want to read about them! I don’t care and am not enticed by a 20 year old who can’t handle the D! Haaa…Wow that felt so good to get off my chest.

Author’s of erotica, the 20 year old’s that you’re marketing these books too aren’t reading them (well not unless they are book lover’s like myself). They are out at clubs, events and parties actually getting them some D! They are on facebook and instagram, and social media-ing it up and haven’t read a good book since college.It’s me the 40 year old who after working a 10 hour shift, and corralling 3 kids to do homework, eat what I cooked for dinner without complaining, take a bath and finally get their butts ..into..the ..dern..bed.. that wants to sit back and be consumed and enthralled by a good steamy romance novel.

Market to me. The woman with discretionary income who will buy your books. Your entire collection in one full swoop if the first 2-3 books entertain me. It’s me the 40+ woman who can appreciate a good raunchy explicit sex scene, and then use it to her advantage with hubby, cuz trust me, the routine at home has gotten stale! It’s me, with the stale relationship who wants to read about romance, and buff sexy men, cuz the pot belly in the living room snoring loudly on the couch aint buff no mo’. The 20 year old virgin is OUT getting her a sexy man not reading your dern book! So please I beg of you, and all that is erotically raunchy, write more mature, sexually liberated heroines!

Okay enough of that tangent you get my point I hope. Now lets move onto part B of this same rant. *woosah*

Soooo speaking of heroines…I don’t know what it is..well yes I do..its part and parcel of this whole 50 shades crap that romance heroines are now all being written as clumsy, clueless, bobble heads. I mean I guess you have to be an idiot and immature to fall for these insane narcissistic new form of hero’s.

Author’s attempting to venture into the newly (over) exposed BDSM world are trying their best to convey submissive’s, but I would so much prefer more confident woman portrayals. I read a BBW book the other day. The ENTIRE book the character was thinking and saying “why are you with me? the fat girl and not choosing a skinny chick“, and the man had to reassure her of her beauty. This book annoyed the ever loving frik outta me! I was like really?! I in no way want to read about a man supposedly lowering his standard to date me, and trust me when we read these books we become the heroines.  I so wanted her to flaunt what her mama gave her, look at him saucily and be like you know you want alllll this! Not “ohh woe is me, why would you want me?” Yeah! Precisely, why would he?!!

Listen, in real life, if you have such low self-esteem, the handsome hunk won’t choose you, because you don’t think you’re worthy! You gotta rock you with CONFIDENCE! Trust me, the handsome 8 pack ab having, chiseled jaw, muscled dude who would choose you, if your esteem is this low, is there for the booty only and will not waste time trying to convince you of your own worth. Books that portray all these men who have to constantly reassure these women that they are worthy of love…well, sicken me.

Affirming her beauty, complimenting and courting a woman yes, HELL YES, that rocks. Having to convince the heroine that she is worthy of love despite not being blonde or a size 2 is frikkin tiring. Please stop with this already.

Get out into the real world and take a look at all the various men who are literally DATING all different types of women. Slim and thick, blue eyed and brown eyed; black, brown, red, blonde long short haired. All the above, men like. It’s low self-esteem in any package that is a detractor. Where are the women who are sexy at any size, confident at any age, and who rock his world just as much as he rocks her’s?!

I’ve been reading interracial romance lately and that’s another big stinkin cesspool of low self-esteem characters. If I read another “oh no why would you choose me the ugly black girl, over the beautiful blonde“..really? NOT EVERY MAN IN THE WORLD wants a skinny blonde chick. This is SUPPOSED TO BE about interracial romance. You are a gorgeous powerful luscious sexy feminine chocolate (or caramel or cream) goddess! Where’s the romance if you don’t think the man really wants the heroine or he doesn’t think she’s beautiful? Good GOD!

And why would you, the heroine, tell a man who wants and likes you that you’re ugly? Huh, the what now? I can’t with a lot of these books. I mean don’t get me wrong there are a good amount of solid core writers who do it right (Sienna Mynx, Delaney Diamond, Latrivia Nelson, Violette Dubrinsky, Melissa Blue, Tiana Laveen- All FIYAH!) but sadly alot of the latest attempts by fledgling authors are faltering. Please I beg of you authors, like you first! Love YOU! Your thick thighs, your skinny legs, your big butt, your flat butt, your natural hair, your weave and or your wig. LOVE YOU and then rock the portrayals in your characters. Heroines with low self esteem are not …well…heroines.

I do love (yeah, finally a like!) paranormal portrayals the most lately because they seem to get it. The women in these tales are strong powerful, large and in charge, or small, fierce and a force to be reckoned with. Whatever the physical characteristics and all the above, but one thing they are not is fearful and cowering, wondering why would the hero pick her.  They rock it with strength and attitude and presence and most importantly…they embrace and sometimes FLAUNT their sexuality.

And finally someone please write a good damn book about women in their 40’s living life, getting them good D, being sexy as hell, fierce and fabulous, advanced and settled in their careers of choice, cause again all these 20 year old senior VP this, that and the other professionals are a bunch of bullarkey..in your 20’s fresh outta college you’re at the bottom of the totem pole not the top- thats the 40 year old! who is running the corporation. Why the world acts like life ends at 40 instead of really just starting is beyond me. Women at this age and stage know themselves, know what they want, know how to go out and get it and… they know how to work the HELLL out of good D…and that’s romantic…just sayin…

GET O.F.F…of the hampster wheel of life

Hello world (or the two people who will read this blog because they are my friends and I will inundate their inboxes with my posts) I have been watching all these inspirational, self-help, you can do it, you can be more, have more, live better, coaching podcasts and one thing that they ALLLL consistently reiterate is “START YOUR OWN BLOG“.. So here I am.

Actually, this isn’t my first blog. It’s like my third. I have an author page that I let slowly bleed out and die a whimpering slow death and I had (past tense) a soap opera blog, because I grew up on soaps and was briefly enthralled with General Hospital. Turns out I was merely entertained and frustrated by the show, not obsessed with the serial drama as the other bloggers that I frequented, so it languished in obscurity for a few years before I abandoned it as well.

What’s different about this blog you ask? Those blogs were about an interest and or projects I was attempting to pursue. This blog is about ME! YEP, all me, my thoughts, my fears, me raging, me running, me attempting to fly, me soaring, me falling, me hurting, me picking myself back up off the ground, me dusting myself off and getting back up again, and me never giving up.

When I hit 40, I felt like whew I can’t believe I made it. My mother died a horrific death at the early age of 26 – I think a hidden fear hounded me for years about dying early-but  that will be a later post. I’m 44 now, and I have an ever present pressure, burning in my gut to do more, be more, have more, live life to the fullest. It’s like I hit the halfway mark and thought oh crap I’m almost out of time better get ‘er done NOW. So this is me. Over 40 and FABULOUS and getting off the hampster wheel of life.

Let’s rock this ya’ll!